A Reminiscence
by Lord Xemnas
Summary: While we must put the past behind us, we must never forget it...


A Reminiscence

"Some days... I do not feel as though I am me..."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, there are days where it seems I am not the person I would lead you to believe I am."

"I still don't get it."

"I am not a strong man Zexion."

"I would have to disagree sir."

Xemnas sighed, shaking his head. His subordinate just did not seem to grasp it. Oh well. It was not as though he understood it either. It was this over whelming, crippling sensation that saturated his body and mind with such vicious ferocity he nearly lost his sense of self. It only happened from time to time, usually in moments of great personal weakness or defeat. But every now and then, more and more often he felt the same disparity of loss by only looking around himself.

Everyone else seemed so...happy. Why wasn't he? He knew it was just an illusion, a facade to only make themselves feel better. And yet it seemed to work for them. Even Saix, in all his stoic glory, seemed to enjoy as much as anyone the enthralling calls of love and war that transpired even within the castle. Despite being unfeeling beings the nobodies seemed to drum up enough drama and strife between themselves to make their artificial existence seem as chaotic as true lifeforms.

Xemnas just stayed out of it, unless it became so tumultuous that it began to shake the nobodies' work ethic. He thought it was pointless and childish to behave in such a way. Fighting and fucking each other like animals. Disgusting.

Even within their perfect, flawless leader, there existed an urge to sever his own ties with the angels and join them amid their squabbles. Because even though childish and petty as they may be, it was something that connected them to life, to who they were, who the use to be. Thought they were beings far exceeding the need for emotion or argument they chose conflict over peace.

Maybe...maybe that was just human nature. Maybe nature was something that always existed in the soul. Maybe one could never transcend the nature of the creature he really was.

All rather mind boggling.

"Zexion."

"Yes sir?"

"How are things...with your lover?"

Zexion blushed and ducked his head. "Progress is steady at Castle Oblivion, sir."

"That isn't what I asked," Xemnas said stoically, waving his subordinate away. If he didn't want to talk about it, fine. He'd find someone else. He knew half of the nobodies were having sex with each other any way. Zexion just happened to be there at the moment. He could always find someone else.

"They're good... Really... good," Zexion stuttered, his eyes focused on the ground. His face was dark red with embarrassment. Yes, things with Marluxia were always excellent, even if he was a bit rough at times.

"Does he treat you well?" Xemnas questioned further, though he managed to sound completely uninterested in his own question.

"Y-yes sir. Always," Zexion said, nodding. Why was Xemnas interrogating him in such a way? Why was he question him in particular?

"Why..." Xemnas paused, then re-phrased the question slowly. "What is it that attracts you so much to him over the others?"

"Beg pardon?"

"Certainly you had your choice Zexion. Why Marluxia? What is his draw?"

"He...He's just Marluxia, sir. He's a fascinating man. Very...unique...very...good looking."

Zexion's lack of eloquence drew a slight chuckle from the Superior. "Interesting," he said, drawing out the syllables slowly. From where he stood he could see Axel and their newest subordinate walking down the path from the castle to the city below. What they were up to was up to interpretation, though Xemnas supposed the red head and the blond would be next on his interrogation list. "Does he make you...happy?"

"We don't have hearts sir. You know that. We cannot feel—"

"But does he make you happy?"

"Y-yes sir."

"That is all I needed to hear," Xemnas said slowly. His dark orange eyes fell upon Zexion's holding the younger male's gaze for a moment. "You may go now."

"Yes sir," Zexion said, averting his eyes and scuttling off.

"What was with all the questions?" a somber voice whispered in his ear.

"I was merely curious as to what he saw in you," Xemnas said, his eyes falling on the shadows where Marluxia had been all along. The pink haired male chuckled, waltzing closer to their leader and draping himself over his shoulder.

"You know I'm not the monogamous sort of person. You can't tell me I'm the only person you've ever screwed. I mean Saix has quite a limp, and I see him skulking about your room often enough."

"Saix is not infatuated with me. Neither are you," Xemnas answered stoically. "That boy worships the ground you walk on and you treat him like dirt."

"Are you mad at me? Do you hate me for it?"

Xemnas paused.

"A little."

Marluxia erupted into a chorus of laughter, sliding off the superior and rolling around on the ground in his mirth. "That's priceless!" he cackled, holding his sides as if they would split apart from the intensity of his laughing. "That's rich! Xemnas! Sovereign God of the nobodies! Moved by the plight of one insignificant speck! It's priceless."

"If he is insignificant to you then why do you hold him so jealously?" Xemnas asked, his tone unchanged by Marluxia's outburst.

Marluxia stopped laughing. "Because he's mine. Everyone needs a little bargaining chit to toss around. If I get bored of him I can give him to Xaldin or Lexaeus in exchange for something else of equal value, like a good book or a box of crackers."

"Marluxia..."

"Hmm?" the younger man gave him an incredulous glance.

"You do not care... about the future. That is why, you will never be leader," he purred slowly, his even, drawn out monotone crawling under Marluxia's skin.

"You're an idealistic fool, Superior," Marluxia said, spitting out the last word as if it were a poison. "One of these days when your ideas all fall flat on their asses your subordinates will come crawling to me. Just like your academic, and just like your schemer," he said, a scarcely veiled threat in his words.

"You, and your kind, are destined to fail."

"Yours too!"

Xemnas looked at him solemnly, giving him an appraising glance. "That may be. But, I do not lack the...heart, to try," he said, his lips curling into a sinister grin. "No matter what you do, without purpose, your empire will collapse beneath you, Marluxia. Your loyalties will fray and splinter when worn thin, and all shall betray you in your last hour. I thought you were smarter than that. It appears, I was wrong." Xemnas looked away from the other man, instead casting his glance skyward. "It is our purpose that unites us, and drives us forward. Lusting for power will get you nowhere."

"Totalitarian," Marluxia cried out, pointing at Xemnas accusingly. "This is Caesarism!"

"This is the truth," Xemnas said, spreading his arms apart, as if to embrace the sky. "Kingdom Hearts... will not accept anything less." He paused for another long moment, dropping his arms to his sides. "We have to remember who we are, it is what separates us from the common dusks."

"There is nothing to remember," Marluxia snarled. "You yourself said we were looking towards the future!"

Xemnas shook his head sadly, sad for his subordinate's ignorance. "Yes, Marluxia. We must push forward to the future, because the future will continue to happen even if we do not wish it to. We must coincide with it. But we must never forget, Marluxia. Never forget the past we put behind us. Without it, we would not be here."

"The past will only drag you down. Feeble old fool! Go live in a world of your memories and be shackled by them," Marluxia barked, evaporating into darkness.

"Am I... a fool?" Xemnas looked down on his empire, The World That Never Was. An empire of shadows, as fleeting, ephemeral, and fragile as the wings of a butterfly. One day it would be so much more than that thought. When Kingdom Hearts was completed he would build a new world, one heart at a time. Better than the present, better than the past.

"The wheel of time turns... and while some are brought into the light others are cast into shadow. Now will be our time to rise from the shadows of the imagination of mankind and spring forth into the light. Our voices will be heard. Our presence will be known. We shall spread ourselves across the land. And no one will dare to forget the misery, or the bliss, they knew before us."

He looked down upon his kingdom again, throwing his arms out, preaching to the empty streets. "Let all who would appose us rue the day they chose to stand against us. Let us be united in our purpose! We are the Nobodies! The castaways! Thrown aside! Forsaken! We shall build upon the ruins of the past. We shall rebuild our shattered pride. We shall rebuild our torn existence. We shall nurse our wounds and strike back on those that would not have us! We are the nobodies. We are many, and we are powerful. Kingdom Hearts will never set upon our empire. We will transcend what we have become! But we shall never forget it...."

He looked down at the dull neon lights blinking on and off throughout the city premises, so unlike his Radiant Garden. When he rebuilt this world, he thought he'd rather like a cozy cottage, somewhere under Kingdom Hearts, like the one he had lived in all those year ago.


End file.
